It amazes me with Real Estate clients, peer level relationships, and life relationships how people can turn into a weasel on you. They can cancel appointments without telling you, not do what they say, and become a master in indirect communication. You hear of bosses firing people through email or breakups in love relationships by texting. How crass is that? With difficult confrontations we can move forward however with tactfulness and diplomacy and not let ourselves become weasels.
Give a Little to Get Along and Don't Be a Weasel
It is the fine act of being tactful. Here are a few phrases to try and get things done without hurting another's feelings.
1. Say, it seems to me the problem is..
2. My concern is this...
3. Please explain this to me. Maybe I am not understanding this...
4. I can't agree with you, but you are entitled to your opinion...
5. Excuse me, I am not through, just allow me a little more time to finish my point..
6. You are too upset now, let me discuss this more later with you...
7. I don't feel comfortable talking about that...
8. Maybe I failed to make myself clear ....
9. I can see why you feel that way...
10. What would you think I should do in this case?....
There are many bridging statements or questions you can come up with in being tactful with people in keeping an open dialogue with them to resolve confrontation and disputes. We can have our differences with others many times in life. It is a real art form to disagree without being disagreeable. The trick is to remain calm, not go negative, and the BIGGIE, always respect the other person for his or her perspective. It is not easy when they get loud, belligerent, nasty, disrespect us, use profanity, or are in our face. Remember no one can MAKE you mad if you are in control of yourself.
Don't be a weasel in your life like so many others. YOU be the light that the world so needs to see shining back at them. Amazingly, you being calm, will calm them down. It works every time. Try it. I can see your bright self already there. Bright in intelligence. Bright in love.
Gary: Tact is one of the best character traits that one who is a business owner can possess. Being able to admit that you're sorry or were wrong are among those things that bring the playing field back to even-Steven and everyone comfortable in the conversation. We should ALL try to be more tactful and respectful!
I aree with you 100%. You are right.
Gary: Sometimes it's best to just step away and give the emotions a chance to subside. We do not always have to have an answer right on the spot. Just buy a little time so you can catch your breath by telling someone you need to think about it and will get back to them. Tact is even harder to practice with the current economy but it is absolutely necessary with our buyers and sellers not to mention our colleages and associates.
Gary,
Everything you suggest is good advice...it is unfortunate that your recommended behavior is becoming counter cultural in our society!!! Thanks, Fran
Gary... how the heck are you always right on target with your observations like this one? What I love most about your posts are they are not revolutionary ideas... just solid and fundamentally sound ideas that make me think and regroup. Thanks!
Goodness. I am the soul of reason, as long as the other person is
If not, I'm not. Since I practice PULL advertising, folks contact me. I don't contact them. I rarely get an impolite contact.
Gary, very well said and great advice. I am going to make use of a few of your suggestions. It is an awesome post. Very nicely done, indeed. :-)
I wish you could be the little 'voice' in my head when I get people who are rude. I am guilty of it myself though when stress is way to high. I'll hear myself say something and know it is time for me to go home.
I also need to be reminded to smile when I do deliver those lines...so I don't use 'tone'. I'm very good bad with tone.
Gary, I'm sorry to say what you wrote is true, there are far too many weasels floating around. I am always happy to meet any new person who is honest and thoughtful--and will do what they say. I have to wonder if some of our tech toys make it easier to be a weasel!
Those are such great examples of 'bridging comment's.'...unfortunately sometimes those bridges go to nowhere! lol....sorry I had to say that! :-)
I agree with you Gary, and those are some really good phrases. Another one that works well for me in certain situations is saying "I feel like" instead of "you did this, you did that". Good post.
Gary - I was trained the Disney way....33 POINTS OF MAGIC. Use "magic" words and phrases when speaking to people. It's a great customer service training tool that some companies use in training. It was implemented at the relocation company I had worked for several years ago. Here is the link ... http://www.communicoltd.com/pages/200_the_33_points_of_magic.cfm
Gary, very well said and nicely written as usual. You are able to come up with these statements, because you are a gracious man. Something you just don't see enough of anymore.
GARY, Another one you could add to that is FEEL, FELT, FOUND. I know how you feel, I felt that way also but I found...... I learned that one years ago when I first got in to sales.
Debe Maxwell: Your word "comfortable" is an excellent example of where your are trying to go. Great communicators make everyone comfortable event during the difficult periods.
Debbie Romeo: Thank you. Try a few soft phrases or make up your own,but stay positive with the confrontation.
Donna: Stepping away is a great strategy. Almost like that old counting to ten before you lose your temper.
Fran: Well I'm out to change the world there Fran, one person or situation at a time : ) I need your help.
Steve: They always say nothing is really ever new. I just observe a lot and write down what I observe.
Lenn: I like your point that you can choose who you deal with. That is a great base to work from.
Carolyn: Bridge phrases and staying away from negativity on your side will make great strides for you.
Pat: Don't be a doormat. Be firm, polite, courteous, knowledgeable, set your boundaries, but don't take the low road if they do.Thanks as always for your kind words. I very much appreciate your comments.
Dane: Tone can be picked up on the phone. In person, they see it right in front of them. Practice makes perfect in being nice I would say. Kill them with your kindness Dane!! : )
Hi Carole: People do hide behind technology like voice mail and email.
Liz: Bridges to nowhere. Are we talking Alaska. Not all of this stuff works. But you have to try with people at least.
Victor: "I feel like" is a good one too, as it is very positive.
Carol Culkin: Thanks for the magical 33 words. It sounds like you could write a whole post on that one. If it came from Disney it has to be very refined.
Hi Sharon: We all should just work harder to get along. I think in most instances we can do it if we think.
Marchel: I remember that feel, felt and found from years ago and that one should definitely be added as a defusing bridge phrase. Thank you.
Hi Gary excellent post.
Not to long ago, I was trying to defuse a situation, so I called one of the parties on the phone to first see what had I done to upset them, but that individual started out yelling, so I said the them, please, you don't have to take such a nasty tone with me, because I'm trying to work things out. Well they did't like the fact that I said that either, so they proceeded with profanity, and I just hung up the phone.
They called me back even more furious, and I said to them in a calm manner "Are you ready to talk to me with out yelling and using profanity towards me"? and they got even more out raged, so I disconnected the call all together..
I don't know if I was being a light, but I tried to be the bigger person.
Sometimes the calmer you remain, the more upset the other party gets--when they see they're not affecting you. I had an agent screaming at me the other day, on the phone. I calmly said, "I am going to hang up now, and I'll call you back in an hour, after you calm down." She got even worse, screaming the F-bomb at me. I hung up. And called her broker.
Gary ~ This is true, I have phrases that I will use as well (similar to what you've given). I also try to not open my mouth right away, but think about what I want to say.
Hi Gary, I always try to smooth things out with friends and relatives. My role as a child was always that of the peacemaker. But there are some people that no matter how hard you try with them, you must eventually leave them behind. I had to do this with my former boss and friend. Once she got something in her mind, we would discuss it ad nauseum, I felt we put it aside, and the next day, she would be on the attack once again. I did my best, but eventually, I had to leave. It had gotten so unpleasant and had stolen so much of my personal energy, that I did take the coward's way out at the end and left a note, thanking her for everything and leaving my keys. I just couldn't do it anymore. It was one of the hardest decisions of my life but I had to move on and it was not possible to communicate with her on any level. I'm interested in Carole's response about the Disney training and will click that link. As always, this is a great post.
Gary,
There are two phrases I use in difficult situations. The first is "I understand". Period. I try to never follow "I understand" with a "but". As they say, the truth can be found after the "but". If have more to say...I continue with "and".
The other is "Help me understand". To me, that is a door that has been flung open as an invitation to the other person. It's me asking them to explain their position further and without any judgement or preconceived notions.
Thanks...I always enjoy your posts. If you're ever up our way in western North Carolina, let me know.
Texting is a fast and fun way to get your point across. Voice mail is on its way out. However, common courtesy should not change with the times.
Pamela: You were definitely being a light. Sometimes with hotheads you have to back off because they will not. I think you tried but they were intent on being miserable. Some people thrive in that arena. You were very bright. You were smarter than them. You were not going to play their game. They can come back another day when they have a clear head. They should apologize to you for bad behavior.
Erica: Who knows Erica, where they are coming from when they have shifted into "lunatic" mode. Just remember, even without fighting back to them, you don't have to put up with it, and you didn't so that is very good.
Hello Kathy: Thinking and pausing before speaking is an excellent way to keep YOURSELF under control. Very good.
Hi there Susan: This is the story of the dog that won't let go of the bone. You did exactly the right thing. I don't think you did the coward thing on the way out. It had just drained every last ounce of any positive energy you had left. I tell people all the time in life that when things change beyond repair you literally have to fire friends (and bosses), because they just are not right for you anymore. In essence, you have outgrown them. You were so nice you were even thanking her for "some" part of the relationship that did work over the years. I need to look at Carol Culkin's points too.
Carol Clay: I understand and Help me understand are great ones. Thanks for sharing. I used to vacation near Brevard, NC so I know your area well, and will definitely look you up if nearby.
Hey there Mel: Texting is much more prevalent going forward than voice mail, but for the real sensitive stuff face to face really clears the air if both sides can respect each other during a confrontation.
Hi Pat: Wow, another detailed comment for me. Your thought that what comes around goes around does seem to be the way the world works. Karma. You reap what you sow. Thanks as always for refueling MY tank. I'll go back and look at the pink hair post. Pink goes with me? Well I guess I need to change my image LOL. : )
Gary-I just had to say something to this. There is nothing wrong with your image my friend.
(Pink for a man is a sign he is comfortable in his own skin and he knows who he and the color pink doesn't threaten his manhood.)That is rather refreshing. Just don't be wearing pink lingerie otherwise that image of you would be changed. LOL
Pat: I swore off my pink shirts and pink ties (although Donald Trump wears pink ties), but now you say the pink underwear has to go back to the store. Darn!! LOL. I think I'll just stick with the pink hair!! : )
Gary: Back in the late 80's/early 90s', I heard that Phil Collins asked his wife for a divorce by fax. Talk about rude! As for your bridging statements, my personal favorite is "I get the feeling that...." It works well with clients in particular. It smokes them out when they are being less than truthful.
Great list Gary... will try to commit it to memory! I really do always try to be tactful, knowing how badly words intentions can be percieved.
I love numbers 5 & ^ but isn't 9 a little condesending? Or is it just overused?
Hi Chris Ann: Divorce by fax. Now that is a "separation." You do need to smoke people out to find out what is really going on.
Hi Joan: I can see why you feel that way COULD be looked at as condescending if it wasn't genuine, especially if you CAN'T see why they feel that way. Just use genuine statements or questions that are low on the negativity scale. Being firm about you not finishing your point I think is a good one as well.
Gary, I really enjoyed your post. We need to take the higher ground as professionals. Although sometimes it's more challenging than others.
These are wonderful expressions that I will need to commit to memory. I just had an experience that someone did something rotten to me and then apologized by email. This doesn't cut it with me. Don't be a weasel will be my new expression! Gary you are the best!
By the way, I have been playing with my little puppy for the last week and now I have to catch up with all of your unbelievable posts!
Lara: The high ground is the mark of a great person in my opinion. It's not easy sometimes you are right.
Hi Judy: No weasels allowed. Glad you are having fun with that great puppy. I loved that post of yours.
Sometimes people are just weasels and there's nothing you can do about it. I just spent four days and 20 phone conversations, maybe more, with a seller about an offer. We finally came to a meeting of the minds, he decided to accept the offer with a small counter. I sent it to him. And then, against all my advice, in a span of maybe 3 minutes, he altered the counter and sent it back. People are weasels. It's just the way they are. Fortunately, I was able to obtain permission from him to tell the buyers he now expects a counter back, and hopefully we will go into escrow shortly. I know he feels uncomfortable and i know he wants control, and we've talked about that ad nauseum. I swear.